Friday, April 23, 2021

The One Where Katy Doesn't Know Anything At All

I’ve been thinking for a while about what to do with my little corner on the internet, and I recently have had to force myself to realize – I don’t know.

Maybe it’s the combination of not being able to go to the movie theaters for the past year, and missing the camaraderie that the film blogging community used to have…but something has been out of whack with blogging, my love of movies, and writing for a while. And, felt like now was a good of a time to put this out here. That I just don’t know what I’m doing here.

I think on some level I’ve never know what I’ve been doing with this blog, but I had the enthusiasm to throw posts together…and now…Every time I want to write something, I feel like my brain is melting. I’ll watch a movie and have a lot of feels and things to say, but when I inevitably open up Doc or Blogger, I inwardly ‘yuck’ and ‘ugh’ about everything that comes out. I want to write long posts that unspool all of my thoughts, though I’m depressingly aware anything over a few paragraphs is not ‘in’ these days. I want to write short posts but I’m left questioning if I left everything out on the table as much as I wanted to. And I’ve been having a tough time writing either version and liking them just the way they are without a total inward bodily-forced cringe.

I’d be remiss to say that I feel like my relationship with films and fandom has changed. I whole-heartedly believe everyone is entitled to their opinions and what they enjoy or don’t enjoy…but the culture of social media jumping on easter eggs and theories, or canceling every actor or series that doesn’t live up to some ideal has been the sucking the fun out of a lot of things I used to enjoy. When a prolific author to a series that had quite literally changed my life came out as transphobic, and other franchises started struggling horribly (Star Wars, Marvel, etc), I feel like I've been in a weird grieving process. Fandoms have always been a big source of escape for me, but lately it's been difficult entering those worlds wanting to find diverse inclusive spaces only to come back to reality and realize that there wasn’t a lot of escape to begin with. It’s always been tough for female pop culture geeks, but now it feels like there's always a creeping feeling to watch my back with what I like or dislike in fear of incels and backlash. I don’t know if fandom is something I want to be visibly apart of anymore. Maybe just enjoy things for myself without broadcasting it? 

I used to tell myself way back when Avengers: Endgame came out to give it one more week, and I did make it all the way until I finished my Captain America series. Somewhere deep inside I felt like Steggy was the perfect place to end, but I still kept going, and now I’m back to…figuring out when my next ‘fitting’ post should be the last one. And that's not a fun feeling to have every week and try to find things to blog about just to seem active or interested.

I started blogging for an outlet, and maybe it’s just a case that the outlet needs to change. Or fandom needs to change. Or quite possibly, most logical thing is I need to change….something. Maybe that original spark will come back when we can do more than sit in our house and we can actually go and do things... Maybe it won't come back at all. *grimace emoji face* 

All of this is to say, that I'm just clueless about this space right now. I aim to finish my 52 Movies by Women challenge, Thursday Movie Picks, and a few other posts to round out the year. You can still find me, unfortunately, all over the place – twitter, instagram, and letterboxd....

*Oprah voice* What I do know for sure is that I’m grateful for all of the friendships that I’ve made, movies we’ve loved or hated, and starting this lil’ ol blog as an outlet. It’s crazy to think I started this almost ten years, and three different blogging urls, ago. I never really thought it would let me do so many things I thought were silly ideas at the time like my blogathons, being on podcasts, etc. Like holy shit, can you believe Twister is going to be 25 years old and Captain America: The First Avenger is going to be 10 years old this summer? I’ve got to blog something about that? Right? :)

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