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Fifty Shades Freed (2017) Trailer Reaction

So it's that time of the year again, where the last trailer for the Fifty Shades series has been revealed. If you've been following me for a while, you might know I harbor a real complete love / hate relationship with this trilogy - mostly that I just love Jamie and Dakota (and the production design!), but hate the rest.

I'm not ashamed to admit (okay, maybe a tiny bit): I'm excited for this. For the past three years, I've gone to the theaters drinking my way through the cringeworthiness, letting the novels take me back to college when I was desperate for a fandom and didn't know I'd fall down this rabbit hole. It's only fitting, in the occasional tradition of fangirling, to do a trailer reaction.

Based on the books by E.L. James, virgin bookworm Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) doesn't run away from possessive billionaire Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) the second she realizes he is the mayor of Crazy Town. No, supposedly, they fall in love and fix each other all in the name of vanilla sex. So let's begin! This trailer is NSFW. "Spoilers" below.

Can I be honest to say that I only read Fifty Shades of Grey series once, and if you told me anything that happens in those books, I'd look at you like you were crazy. On occassion, because of the movies I'm reminded of the quotes, and  The "prose", the "twists", the "villains", the "plot" is all a complete surprise....until I'm sitting in theater watching the movie and it all comes screaming back to me.

So color me surprised like the colors of The Communist Manifesto, and let me say, I don't remember most of the plot and what is shown in the trailer. What comes to mind are a lot of small details, so here's a simple break down of my inner goddesses's thoughts:

0: 01 Thank God they used a different song for this trailer. (Fifty Shades Darker was an embarrasing, discount version of Beyonce's Crazy In Love remix)
0:04 Something about this angle of him touching her on the forehead is so weird. My subconscious cringes at how unnatural these seldom act like human beings.
0: 07 "Good morning, husband."
"Good morning, wife."... This shouldn't be happening right now.
0: 10 Even if Christian is supposed to be all "hearts and flowers" now....That's A LOT of flowers.
0: 11 I really hate that they didn't keep what her wedding dress  a secret and that its way too similar to Bella's gown. #notsurprised
0: 20 If one thing is consistent between all three movies is that costumes and production design were ace.


0: 25 Why is Ana still surprised by how rich Christian is? They flew in his helicopter together, stayed on his boat, and he told her he has like five apartments that we know of. He's bought her clothes, a car, a new Mac and smartphone, plus a publishing house, an airline, and their house. HE'S LOADED, ANA.
0: 27  With the budget this movie has, the museum should not look CGI
0: 28 What silhouette mermaid magic is this?
0: 29 ABS.
0: 35 I'm nauseous thinking about all the sex that I don't want to see anymore. #drink
0: 43 I want Ana's clothes and office and her job at a publishing agency, damn it. PERFECTION
0: 47 Omg, do I spot parallels in their relationship?
0: 59 That face. It's the sign of inner goddesses coming out #keepthedrinkscoming
1 : 08 Ooh, women being pitted against each other over an asshole. YAY.
1: 16 HIS BEARD five o'clock shadow thingy. Please God, don't take that away from me.
1: 27 Ana's apparently a secret NASCAR driver in her spare time
1: 35 LOL Jack

1: 39 "The Final Chapter"? Is it really though?
1: 40 Omg, abs again.
1: 51 Christian's vows would almost be romantic if he wasn't a psycho
1: 54 Kim Basinger is BACK. Please don't waste her like you did in the sequel...though they probably will. Why am I even hoping?
1 : 58 I don't remember the nightclub scene at all, but apparently it happens in the books. Ana actually defends herself (again) from the guy who hits on her.
2: 00 The kidnapping scene is actually kinda exciting?
2: 01 First appearance of Taylor, the hot Navy Seal from Captain Phillips.
2 : 03 Trying not to remember that these two get pregnant.....and all the scenes from the books that it entails....

The movies may be impotent, lacking in sustainable drama and a healthy romance, but the trailers have been dope. This, like the first two, attempts to meld the author's warped mind to please the die-hard fans, and pretty much succeeds.

No matter how messed up the story is, the films have had great soundtracks, luxurious production design, and immaculate costume design, all thanks to the first director Sam Taylor-Johnson who gave every detail more consideration and attention than probably any late night HBO flick would ever attempt.

As for me, I lived for the cheesy horribleness of this saga playing out. From watching the premieres and waiting to see what Dakota was going to wear on the red carpet, to wincing my way through  and her/Jamie's interviews during the promotional tour (they could be cute together), I've come too far with this series to turn back now. I'm a little bittersweet that this ride is almost done. Are you ready for it? Fifty Shades Freed hits theaters February 2018.

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