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5 Ideas To Fix Award Shows

September 23, 2013
Award show ceremonies really should be an exciting affair. All of Hollywood's elitist society is gathered together to exhaustively slap each other on the back (Oscars) or get completely hammered (Golden Globes). Our underdogs lose graciously and the same winners ascend to the podium one more time.

Hosts come and go. Trailblazers are honored. Trendy new brilliant shows replace other trendy brilliant shows. We should feel like the entire industry is getting better and better. Yet somehow year after year we watch the same ceremony again and again.  It may just come down to how the show is scripted or if the host has faulty timing (Hugh Jackman) or is completely  disinterested (James Franco). But overall the award show has become pretty dull, lame, repetitive, exceptionally boring.

How can we make this anticipatory time of the year for movie buffs, television hogs, and people who hate award shows but watch them anyways more exciting? I have five easy ideas.
Don't script every presenter to mention how excited they are to be on stage or see someone famous... 
especially awkward when host and celeb are good friends in real life or work with them on a show. This is equally awkward when hosts stand and point at random celebrities and nominees for ten minutes acknowledging that they are - WOW - attending an award show in their field. For spotlighting ten-twenty actors for 30 seconds each, winners can have two or three more time with their acceptance speeches.

No musical acts except for the Tonys.
We'll accept legitimate talent singing legitimate music such as Elton John, or Conan tap dancing to "NBC is in trouble my friends. That's starts with a T which rhymes with a G as in Gee, we're screwed." But if it's the host just performing a song about how awkwardly awesome it is to sing at an award show even though they are not a professional musician, it's just awkward and not awesome. I'd also like to see musical skits replaced with comedy sketches parodying movies or tv shows. If we are going to rally behind entertainment, can we make it a bit more creative and original?

Give Veteran Actors Time To Ramble
Kirk Douglas laying the moves on Anne Hathaway. The Cecil B. Demile award where every winner is utterly smashed and rambles on for thirty minutes before finally reaching "Thank you." Michael Douglas talking about double handers. If there is one cure to coping with inevitable snubs and underwhelming wins, it's veteran winners and nominees who just don't give a damn. Decades in the business were spent shuffling along. I say give them time to ramble. Not only have they earned it but usually it's the most entertaining moment of the night.

Hire Amy Poehler to plan every show.
Dozens of nominations for this amazingly funny woman and never has she "won" an award. But every year she steals the show with her funny set-ups for Leading Actress in a Comedy category. From getting her fellow nominees to wear goofy glasses to lining up on stage to win Beauty Pageant style, Poehler automatically makes her category the most anticipated.

Let's go back to informally-formal ceremonies.
Take a look at example Vivian Vance, Desi Arnaz & Lucille Ball winning for I Love Lucy. There's no reason every presenter has to remind us we're watching an award show. We understand everyone is there to honor each other because everyone in Hollywood is in the same room dressed to the max with awards to give out. It's darn tootin obvious. Let's just give out awards, watch classy people lose and winners feel they are on top of the world.

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